I had the chance to speak to a few girls yesterday, and as always, relationships got brought up in one way or another. Two of these girls have boyfriends, and the other three are single. One of the girls that had a boyfriend mentioned to me how she is really excited to be dating this guy, because she's madly in love with the guy (props to him, she's a keeper), but even though they are in the same year in school and they have similar plans for grad school and all that, she's not sure if she can be happy with him.
I asked her why not, seeing that not only are they totally in love with each other, but their schooling isn't an issue either.
She told me that it's because she's got "other plans" in place already. For example, she wants to do a study abroad program either this coming summer or next fall semester, and she feels that by being in this relationship she is tied down and won't be able to go. I asked her why she feels tied down, because I know this guy as well and he pulls out all the stops for this girl and he would be the kind that would be patient and support her in whatever she does, including waiting around for her.
She then proceeded to tell me that even though she totally loves this guy and would love to marry him, she wants to go abroad/possibly go on a mission/etc and not have to worry about a relationship. She did say to me that in her opinion, the best part of not being in a relationship is not having to worry about getting hurt, as well as being "free" to do whatever you want.
Ok, so this is where I was a bit troubled by what she said. I am all for people achieving their dreams and making a plan to accomplish these things, but I almost felt like this was a case of over-planning. The other four girls in the group understood what I was saying, and they said that this is something that is really prominent in their minds when they're dating guys while in college. And from their own mouths, they admitted that it hurts the chances of a lot of guys that they could be very happy with because they are acting a bit selfish by thinking that way.
I didn't really expect to hear any of these girls admit something like that so...straight-up, but I'm glad they mentioned it, because I have noticed it in the way that a lot of girls behave, even if they don't recognize it or vocalize it.
As a guy, there is a lot expected of us: being the breadwinner, being a righteous husband and father, honoring our priesthood, etc. That kind of expectation is hard to live up to, and even though I know it's possible, it's an uphill battle to improve yourself so you become the kind of person that others will look to for inspiration and strength.
It's a killer, however, to hear something like this from girls. I do not and absolutely would not expect the love of my life to arbitrarily follow me around during my life as I enter into my career, be subservient or put my education or dreams ahead of hers. How could I? I would spend eternity with this person, and there is no way I can become perfect without her. Her dreams become my dreams, and vice versa.
The reason why it's a killer, though, is because I see that after having this conversation and having the girls tell me themselves, a lot of girls see relationships, commitment and marriage as an obstacle instead of an opportunity. It makes me a bit depressed, I'll admit, to know that no matter what I may do to be better or to become the kind of man worthy of someone wonderful like that, I am counted out because they see me as baggage instead of a traveling companion.
I can't help but think that the girl I was totally in love with some time ago saw me as baggage as well. That her plans after graduation or for her career were "incompatible" with what I hope to do someday (which is not set in stone), and that's part of the reason she essentially woke up one morning and decided she didn't love me anymore.
Lastly, I've watched UP a few times recently. I watched that movie a few times in the theater, and every time it left me thinking. So watching it recently has done the same. I posted this in my personal blog over the summer, but I think it's appropriate to post since it helps me understand how I can't plan my life out so much that I keep myself from opportunities that come up along the way:
In a nutshell, UP is a film that (like no other movie I have ever seen, and I have seen many) emphasizes the theme of hopes and dreams failing to come to fruition, and the unexpected joy we can find in the reality that replaces them. There are some dreams that are never fulfilled due to events outside of our control, and still others that we have to release in order to experience the unanticipated adventures that arise in their place.
My favorite scene in the movie, hands down, was a scene about 20-30 minutes from the end where Carl is reading Ellie's adventure book. Once you watch it you'll realize why I loved it so much and why I cried like I did at this point in the film. At that moment I realized this: it's not the experiences you'll have or the things you'll do in life that make it worthwhile, but rather the people you are with and those you help along the way.
The top section is really what has to do with what I'm talking about.
I'm sure I'm guilty of this as well, but this is something I keep thinking about and having it mentioned by girls that are both in relationships and single makes me almost scared to even go on dates. I'm sure not all girls are trapped in this way of thinking, but it sure doesn't encourage me to take chances on people.
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