Yellow Brick Road

My apologies for not posting earlier- I got busy.  Again.  I had a question that's been sitting in my inbox for a week now and I have not made the time to answer it.  But the time is now at hand.  For everyone else- if you have emailed me a question, you should've gotten an answer no later than yesterday evening.  I know everyone else's questions were personal ones that they didn't want posted, so that's ok.  Keep 'em coming.

The person asking wanted to remain anonymous, so they will.  Here is the question, in their own words:

My question is a semi-hypothetical situation. So there is this girl, and she hasn't been single for longer than three weeks in over a year so now that she's been dumped, she just wants to take some time off. But she keeps getting asked out! She's not opposed to dating, just being in a relationship. And it's not a permanent thing, just for a month or two. Should she turn down these requests for dates or should she go on them? She doesn't want to hurt the guys feelings by going on the date and then having him say "I like you and want to go on more dates," only to respond "I don't want to be in a relationship right now." I know that if it were you, you would ask her why she even went on the date in the first place. mull that one over and let me know what you think.

  *cracks fingers*

Ok, let's get started.

I don't mean this to come off as prideful or "look at me!" so please don't take it that way (and if you do, then you're missing the point), but I can relate to this dilemma- at least, to a certain extent.  Dating can be draining, especially when you barely get out of a relationship.  When I broke up with my sweetheart in June, I was asked out on dates by girls from my ward and elsewhere now that I was "back on the market".  Honestly, I found it very annoying, so I kept turning down these dates.

For me it was a problem because I didn't have any desire to go out with any of these girls: it wasn't a judgment on them being unattractive, unappealing or anything like that (they were very cute girls, and that's not just me saying that).  I was still in love with the girl I had been dating, so I felt it extremely wrong to waste the time of any of these sweet girls by going on a date and getting her hopes up if I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready to trust anyone again.  By the time school started up again in August, I had turned down 29 dates.  Ok, that's quite extreme, that I turned down all of them, but again, the breakup was very rough on me and my heart was elsewhere.

(You may be asking how I got to that number.  It might seem strange, but I write in my journal every night so it's just a matter of counting.)

Anyway, I can relate to that aspect, when you feel emotionally drained and you don't feel ready to get into another relationship.  Getting asked out by other people makes it tough, because obviously the person is attracted to you so you don't want to crush them, especially if they ask repeatedly.  Learning how to do it with tact and consideration is the hard part.

You  mentioned it's just for a month or two.  Ok, so after a month or two you'll just wake up one morning, sit up in your bed and say "ok, I'm ready to date again and be in a relationship"?  Ok, that's a bit sarcastic, but seriously, though- a change of attitude isn't something that's going to happen overnight.  It's like opening your eyes when looking at a bright light- you open them slowly and you get accustomed to the light bit by bit.  You can't just open your eyes wide open at first, or it hurts and you get overwhelmed, so you just end up shutting them that much tighter.

In my case, I turned down all of those dates because I felt it wouldn't help me, and I would be wasting someone else's time and effort.  The girl I broke up with even told me to go on other dates, and I see now that she was wise in saying that: it was only in the last month and a half that I've gotten over her, and it's because I went on dates.  I DO think, however, that some cooldown time is necessary because otherwise you may be going on these dates as a rebound.

And this should go without saying, but relationships are NOT like basketball.  REBOUNDS ARE NOT GOOD.  Going on a date just to spite someone or to "get your mind off things" is a stupid idea and that IS a waste of the other person's time because you're not doing it with a sincere interest in them.  There is no honor in that.

Now, in my opinion (I am NOT a professional, so take it as you will), you SHOULD go on these dates, if you are asked.  After a few weeks of getting over everything.  But not a few months, that is foolishness and if you drag it on that long then you hit a point where you are so lonely that you are tempted to get back together with your ex, or you'll just want to avoid dating completely and dig yourself a hole to hide in.  Sure, sometimes that works, because both people see eye to eye and realize their mistakes, but life is not a chick flick and the chances of this happening are slim to none.  You need to go through that mourning period because it gives you a unique opportunity to do some soul-searching and learn from your mistakes.  During this period, you also become grateful for the person you used to date, because you see how you grew because of the relationship.  But after this, you MUST move on.

More than anything else, you need to remember what the word dating means.  Dictionary.com sucks in this respect, because it's so Webster-ish, but Wikitionary (the Wikipedia version of a dictionary) hits the nail on the head:

A form of romantic courtship between two individuals who may or may not expect marriage.

This should be a lesson for anyone seeking a romantic relationship.  This is exactly why I don't believe there is such thing as a "friend date".  When you go on a date, you are assessing the other person based on what you think would make a good spouse.  Anyone that says anything to the contrary is a fool, and I have no qualms about saying that.  If you want to spend time with someone as a friend, you hang out, end of story.  Just because society has tried to blur the line between dating and hanging out doesn't mean that there isn't a difference.  The line is there, but most people usually don't want to acknowledge it because it's more convenient to keep things vague and blurry.  Being vague leads people to believe that they have a license to play the field.  That's inconsiderate of others and also of yourself, because you are essentially selling yourself on the auction block for cheap instead of expecting better.

All of these dates are being asked by guys that are interested in you in some way: it could be that they just noticed you from across the room or they could be totally head over heels for you, but usually it's somewhere in between.  You need to understand that.

If you are not interested or attracted to them, say no and don't go on the date out of pity or because you're "trying to be nice".  I'm not saying to be heartless, but you are doing NO favors to the guy (or yourself) by going on the date.  If you are, however, you are helping yourself to move on and you could find someone that is everything you are looking for.  You are doing yourself a huge disservice if you block out all those possibilities from even showing up on your radar.

Guys respond MUCH better to being told no before the first date than girls would think- it shows consideration for our time and prevents drama from starting.

Don't get entrenched in the idea that you know what's best for you- I did, and it held me back from being happy for a long time.  Life is unpredictable, so don't think you can put a timetable on relationships because you simply can't.  It's exactly when you think you are too busy for others that the best opportunities come along.  The journey is what brings us happiness, not the destination.  The lucky individual that will someday call you "honey", "shnookums" and "sweetie" is a fellow traveler on the Yellow Brick Road, not a guy waiting in the Emerald City.  Remember that.