Career vs Family, With a Cherry on Top

Before I proceed, I wanted to give the promised shout-out to Marissa and Claire (I hope I spelled your names right).  I was stopped on campus this week by these two fine ladies (I don't think they know each other, they caught me on different days) and they asked me if I was the guy that wrote on this particular blog.  They thanked me for taking the time to write, and I thank them for reading and giving me great feedback through email and IM week in and week out.  Hopefully this blog continues to give you the courage to call guys out and not let them get away with being vague, immature or stupid. When we as guys get told by girls that they expect better, we can't help but want to be better.  In the most objective way possible, you are both extremely attractive, and you have the intellect to match.  Keep up the good work!

I've tried for quite a while now to follow the advice of Lucy Mack Smith to her son, the Prophet Joseph: "Marry above yourself".  Sound advice.  I've also taken it to mean "Date Above Yourself", which I think is also true.  Pride has no place in a relationship, and if you are constantly wowed and looking up to the person you choose to spend your time and life with, you will continually strive to be your best, to impress that person, to serve them selflessly and put their happiness, desires and dreams above your own.  You learn the principle of sacrifice, charity, humility, and every other godly attribute we are expected to develop in this life and throughout the eternities.

That said, how do you pull this off?  While this is a good ideal to try to live up to, the more I think about it, the more I get frustrated.  If I really do shoot for someone that I feel is my superior, it seems like a fruitless effort- after all, why would they want me if they are the ones standing on the high ground?  Yes, we all have redeeming qualities, but if this is true then there is also such a thing as "not good enough".  You don't want to settle and sell yourself short by being with someone that doesn't elevate you to the highest cloud in Heaven, but at the same time going for that person is the equivalent of being two and trying to reach the kitchen counter- you can't do it no matter how hard you try.  No amount of sincere, heartfelt desire and belief will make you grow a few more inches magically, even if you go the extra mile by thinking really hard, squinting your eyes saying "pretty please with a cherry on top."

Nick said something very interesting yesterday in discussing the whole "just give up" predicament.  Am I doing these things so I can feel accomplished, or for other reasons?  I think it's part of both- I explained to a very special friend in early January that I am trying to prove to myself that I am capable of going after something (or someone) and, well, winning.  I wanted to be able to hear in my mind, "I did it.  I really was good enough".  Everyone falls short in life, no surprise there, but once in a while you want to just win at something, knowing that despite your shortcomings you were able to overcome it and that you as a person were good enough to deserve the time and attention of someone else.

That might seem self-centered, but I do it for the right reasons as well.  If I really do think that highly of a person, then I would take a risk and give all I have in making their happiness the focus of my attention.  It's tied to the principle of charity- you want to see them realize their dreams and find happiness, even if that means having to sacrifice what you want the most.  Aunt May, the cute old lady that is Peter Parker's (Spider-Man's) aunt, said it best:

"People need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. I believe there's a hero in all of us- that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams…"

 And so I have meditated on that this week.  My dream is to work in one of the national security agencies, I love everything about it and the more I learn, the more interviews I go through, the more I want to do it.  But I noticed some time ago that this kind of career, although great, is in direct conflict with my desire to marry, have a family and make them the purpose for all that I do in this life.  So I decided to explore other options, because these things are way to important to me.

Now I am coming to the realization that something like this may be out of my grasp altogether.  Reading scriptures, praying, being faithful in my callings, and all of these things are no guarantee that these things will happen.  So I've been thinking twice about my earlier decision about my career- when I did it, I got some undeniable promptings of the Spirit that my priorities should be changed to put marriage and family at the number one spot, so I did.  But now I wonder if I should just stop bothering with girls and instead go full speed ahead with my career in the Intelligence Community.  I am at a crossroads where I need to decide very soon whether or not I have the courage to give up my dreams.  If there was ever a time I needed a stabilizing influence in my life, this is it.

My thinking is that if having an eternal companion and a family isn't meant for me, the absolute least I can do is use my time on this Earth serving others and ensuring the safety of our nation against those who would destroy all that is good and sacred.  As long as I can labor on behalf of others, even if they are total strangers, and what I sacrifice and do to protect others is never known or recognized, I will be able to keep walking with confidence in the approval of my Heavenly Father.  When we make covenants with God, He expects us to give up everything that we are and hope to be in exchange for what he wants for us.  I think I am only now starting to scratch the surface in understanding what that kind of commitment means.

Bye Bye, Blankie

I have great roommates.  I was talking with some of them last night about a number of things, and it was just one of those "dude, you are so right" moments.  So I thought I'd share, I'm sure someone else can benefit from my experience.

So relating to some dreams I've had lately and some of my girl-related worries (girls are nothing but trouble, hardy-har-har) I asked one of my best friends for some advice.  Bless her heart, she had so many things to do but there she was, knocking on my room door and listening to my scatterbrained-ness and listened.  It was good to just throw everything out there, even though I'm pretty sure it didn't make sense.  When she left, we circled the wagons in our living room and talked about a few things (not just me, mind you) and I heard some really good counsel from my roommates regarding all of that.

Lesson 1: Don't take counsel from your fears.  This refers to allowing uncertainty and worry to paralyze you from taking action, which leads to the "I'll just wait for things to happen on their own" attitude.  This particular phrase makes even more sense in light of the dreams I've had in the last month (if you're really wondering what the dream(s) was/were, just catch me on campus and I'll fill you in), but it all just comes down to not assuming a worst-case scenario just because I worry it might happen.  I'm always the one telling people "it's not as bad as you might think", and it's about time I took my own advice.

Lesson 2: Depression can be an addicting behavior.  This one shouldn't have come as a surprise to me- I remember giving someone advice about how they use their sadness as a safety blanket to protect them from engaging in relationships, but it was put into terms I had never heard before, and I think this applies to all people.  I've talked to MANY people since this blog started and a common thread in a lot of those comments and conversations were about  how these individuals were afraid of getting into a relationship (or taking any risks) because they were scared of all the "what if"s.  I have said it time and again- everything worthwhile in life requires risk, but along with the first lesson, every time you shy away from being a man (or woman) of action, it's because you're afraid of leaving your comfort zone.  It's easier to stay scared and not do anything about a guy or girl you've got your eye on, simply because you "know the routine" and you feel like you have a greater amount of control over your emotions instead of taking a chance with someone.

In Layman's terms, "you know how happy you feel when you are in a relationship.  You also know what it feels like to be heartbroken.  It all comes down to which you want more, and understanding that without risk, there is no reward".

Wise words from a fellow brotha.

Lesson 3: No regrets.  Of course, I already know this.  I try to live by this too, and I think many people do as well.  It's one thing wanting to believe and act that way, and actually dialing her phone number, walking up to a girl's door and knocking, getting the guts to tell that person how you feel, sending them that text message, etc.  The list can go on.  Uncertainty is the ultimate killer simply because those "what if"s consume you and you spend all your time thinking about your anxieties, as if you can defeat or kill them by thinking about them enough.  It's only when you are totally sincere, open and honest that you feel that peace of conscience of knowing that you did all you can.  Ignoring the problem-or people- doesn't make anything better, and it only leaves you resentful because you didn't accomplish anything.

At the end of the day, you can point fingers all you want to blame others, circumstances, or even God for things that happen--or don't happen-- but if you notice, any time you point one finger, you have four others pointing right back at you.  No excuses, no regrets.



These are things I was reminded of by my roommates, my fellow brethren on the Council.  Sometimes we all need that kind of a kick in the pants to quit sitting on our hands and get to work, and that's what it did for me.  Hopefully I answered some of the questions I have gotten this past week by posting this, and I am confident that others can take courage from what I learned.

So therefore, Happy Hunting!

Mormon Tennis and the Grand Slam

The last post garnered an unexpected number of responses, on both sides of the spectrum.  Normally there are anywhere between 15-20 emails/IMs/texts about the posts, but this time we hit a new high of 39.  Dang.

Most people were of the persuasion that they thought the three girls I spoke to were stupid, and that their own personal experiences or biases don't ever translate into people using location as an obstacle for relationships.

One friend said the following:

"I've never heard anything so stupid before....I have honestly never had the thought of not dating someone because of where they were from.  I'm kind of shocked right now, to be honest."

 Most of the comments were along these lines, so I'm a little bit relieved to hear that it's not as prevalent as these girls made me believe.  I mean, after all, I rather enjoy wearing my Ohio State/Cincinnati shirts and showing people pictures of back home.

There were, however, some people that felt that the post resonated with them, and in the words of one person, it "gave voice to how I've been feeling while I've been at school".  I know everyone's situations are different, so of course my experience isn't going to resemble everyone's (especially in the details), but reading the long emails about people where I can tangibly feel their frustration made me resent the fact that some people really DO think this way even more.

One person put it in these words:

I currently live in an area where there are only 4 young men who are still temple worthy, unmarried, and RMs (not that this number would increase if we added non-RMs). Half of them are in their mid 30s, one is 29 and is very particular about the kind of girls he dates, and I've dated the only other guy in the area (we are better as friends). My friend sometimes tells me about the guys who ask her out and what they do, and let me just tell you how I wish that was available here. Not only would I love to get a chance to experience that kind of dating, but there are many sweet gals in the same boat here who will never get a chance. If I want to get asked out by a good church guy they are 2 1/2 hrs away.

I am from the closest metropolitan area to where I live now and I try to get home as often as I can. When I'm visiting at home I participate in their YSA Ward, but I'm still considered as a visitor and get ignored by a majority of the people I am around. I have my few friends there, but they are getting married and moving on. People don't seem to care because it is too much effort. They see it as too much effort to get to know a person who might not live there all the time, especially when they have a multitude of people who are much closer.

(Side Note: Another thing that frustrates me- is many of the guys in my hometown area who I consider to be great guys decide that they have to go to UT to get a "perfect mormon" wife and they don't come back until they accomplish their mission. That is like a slap in the face to those of us who are trying so hard to do what is right in a place where there seems to be so much outside pressure. You should know what growing up in that kind of environment is like, it takes courage and true faith to be the only one in your school willing to stand up for what you believe.)

 Her last paragraph was spot-on, and it was that much more profound because she experiences these things in a state other than Utah, and even more as a girl having to deal with guys being foolish and thinking this way.  Fight the good fight!

The ultimate comment came yesterday when I was eating in the TSC Hub with a girl I've known since last spring semester.  Very attractive, funny, has an amazing testimony, very service-oriented- what a dream.  Right before we got up to go to our different classes, she mentioned almost in passing

"oh and by the way, I read your last blog post.  I was floored when I read it, and I have to confess- I've been attracted to you since we met, but I never let that go anywhere because I knew you were from so far away and I thought that could cause friction.  Sorry."

Point.

Set.

Match.

"Stuff We Did"

Before the thought leaves me, as I sit in my astronomy class:

I had the chance to speak to a few girls yesterday, and as always, relationships got brought up in one way or another.  Two of these girls have boyfriends, and the other three are single.  One of the girls that had a boyfriend mentioned to me how she is really excited to be dating this guy, because she's madly in love with the guy (props to him, she's a keeper), but even though they are in the same year in school and they have similar plans for grad school and all that, she's not sure if she can be happy with him.

I asked her why not, seeing that not only are they totally in love with each other, but their schooling isn't an issue either.

She told me that it's because she's got "other plans" in place already.  For example, she wants to do a study abroad program either this coming summer or next fall semester, and she feels that by being in this relationship she is tied down and won't be able to go.  I asked her why she feels tied down, because I know this guy as well and he pulls out all the stops for this girl and he would be the kind that would be patient and support her in whatever she does, including waiting around for her.

She then proceeded to tell me that even though she totally loves this guy and would love to marry him, she wants to go abroad/possibly go on a mission/etc and not have to worry about a relationship.  She did say to me that in her opinion, the best part of not being in a relationship is not having to worry about getting hurt, as well as being "free" to do whatever you want.

Ok, so this is where I was a bit troubled by what she said.  I am all for people achieving their dreams and making a plan to accomplish these things, but I almost felt like this was a case of over-planning.  The other four girls in the group understood what I was saying, and they said that this is something that is really prominent in their minds when they're dating guys while in college.  And from their own mouths, they admitted that it hurts the chances of a lot of guys that they could be very happy with because they are acting a bit selfish by thinking that way.

I didn't really expect to hear any of these girls admit something like that so...straight-up, but I'm glad they mentioned it, because I have noticed it in the way that a lot of girls behave, even if they don't recognize it or vocalize it.

As a guy, there is a lot expected of us: being the breadwinner, being a righteous husband and father, honoring our priesthood, etc.  That kind of expectation is hard to live up to, and even though I know it's possible, it's an uphill battle to improve yourself so you become the kind of person that others will look to for inspiration and strength.

It's a killer, however, to hear something like this from girls.  I do not and absolutely would not expect the love of my life to arbitrarily follow me around during my life as I enter into my career, be subservient or put my education or dreams ahead of hers.  How could I?  I would spend eternity with this person, and there is no way I can become perfect without her.  Her dreams become my dreams, and vice versa.

The reason why it's a killer, though, is because I see that after having this conversation and having the girls tell me themselves, a lot of girls see relationships, commitment and marriage as an obstacle instead of an opportunity.  It makes me a bit depressed, I'll admit, to know that no matter what I may do to be better or to become the kind of man worthy of someone wonderful like that, I am counted out because they see me as baggage instead of a traveling companion.

I can't help but think that the girl I was totally in love with some time ago saw me as baggage as well.  That her plans after graduation or for her career were "incompatible" with what I hope to do someday (which is not set in stone), and that's part of the reason she essentially woke up one morning and decided she didn't love me anymore.

Lastly, I've watched UP a few times recently.  I watched that movie a few times in the theater, and every time it left me thinking.  So watching it recently has done the same.  I posted this in my personal blog over the summer, but I think it's appropriate to post since it helps me understand how I can't plan my life out so much that I keep myself from opportunities that come up along the way:

In a nutshell, UP is a film that (like no other movie I have ever seen, and I have seen many) emphasizes the theme of hopes and dreams failing to come to fruition, and the unexpected joy we can find in the reality that replaces them.  There are some dreams that are never fulfilled due to events outside of our control, and still others that we have to release in order to experience the unanticipated adventures that arise in their place.

My favorite scene in the movie, hands down, was a scene about 20-30 minutes from the end where Carl is reading Ellie's adventure book.  Once you watch it you'll realize why I loved it so much and why I cried like I did at this point in the film.  At that moment I realized this: it's not the experiences you'll have or the things you'll do in life that make it worthwhile, but rather the people you are with and those you help along the way.

The top section is really what has to do with what I'm talking about.

I'm sure I'm guilty of this as well, but this is something I keep thinking about and having it mentioned by girls that are both in relationships and single makes me almost scared to even go on dates.  I'm sure not all girls are trapped in this way of thinking, but it sure doesn't encourage me to take chances on people.

Worth His Salt

I was going to post a more detailed account of Monday, but I'm saving that deliciousness for my own personal blog.  So look there if you want to get that lowdown.

For now, however, I'm going to focus on a long-enough story that had to do with this blog specifically (that way it's not just about my life, since I have my own blog for that).  It's a story we've ALL either seen or been a part of, so I think this will keep you on the edge of your seats. One of my friends was chatting with me on Facebook and she needed advice on how to tell a guy she wasn't interested in to pretty much not text her or invite her to do things with him anymore.  They had gone on a date this past weekend and she's not into him at all.

Here's where I shine.  Or at least, I like to think so.

The predicament was a familiar one: girl goes on one date, girl doesn't really find him attractive, guy keeps trying to get her to do something with him, girl feels bad, doesn't respond to the text right away, girl feels cornered and doesn't want to hurt his self-esteem/feelings.  I think we've all been through that, I know I have (on the opposite side, of course- I like girls very  much).  So then she asks me for advice.

My advice is the same I would give to any other friend that I find in a similar situation: tell it how it is.  "hey, thanks for your effort, but I'm not really interested in you.  Sorry!"  Don't get me wrong- I don't think it's a bad thing to feel bad when you're in this kind of situation, because not feeling bad means you are heartless.  A measure of guilt or worry about how it'll affect the other person is a sign that you are a considerate person and understand how big of a deal it could be to some people.  But I made sure my friend understood this point, and that it's SO much better when you tell the person straight-up instead of sugar coating the truth.

Both guys and girls know this is true: if someone tells you "I still want to be friends/you're a nice guy or girl/I still want to hang out with you", you try to exercise some hope by saying "hey, there's still a chance.  I just gotta be persistent and work at it".  All of us see it as a cracked door that we might be able to open more widely over time.  That's why it's so important to just be honest (while at the same time being kind)- the person doesn't get their hopes up, so they don't feel as bad or get emotionally invested like they would over a long period of time.  Plus then you don't lose sleep or get stressed in either waiting for that phone call/text, or in trying to decide what to say.  It's not as hard as people make it out to be, and it takes a great deal of courage to do so.  I really do think it's more respectful and loving to be honest to someone with things like this, because if you are it shows you value them enough NOT to waste their time.

It's hard, yes, but it's possible.

And of course, I have a happy ending to that story.  I called my friend after she send me the draft of what she was going to tell this guy (it was at midnight, I was on my way to Wal-Mart).  She sent it, and she said she was going to let me know how it all turned out, and I let her know I looked forward to it.

I got a text at 7:30 this morning saying the following:

"Success!  I got positive results!"


See what I mean?  IT WORKS!  So girls, don't be afraid to shut a guy down if you're not interested- we have more respect and admiration for girls that have the conviction and strength to be honest with their feelings, compared to girls that beat around the bush and never get to the point.  That's a strength of character, and we know you are all capable of it.  As are guys, because we deal with the same situations too.

Any man worth his salt will not be offended if a girl is honest and says she's not interested.  If they do, then quit wasting your time with that guy/girl.  They obviously have some things to take care of before in their lives and aren't ready to be in a relationship anyway.

If the guy or girl is playing games and dragging things on instead of addressing the issue...that's an entirely different story.  That's just stupid and unnecessary.

That's salt, by the way.