Mormon Tennis and the Grand Slam

The last post garnered an unexpected number of responses, on both sides of the spectrum.  Normally there are anywhere between 15-20 emails/IMs/texts about the posts, but this time we hit a new high of 39.  Dang.

Most people were of the persuasion that they thought the three girls I spoke to were stupid, and that their own personal experiences or biases don't ever translate into people using location as an obstacle for relationships.

One friend said the following:

"I've never heard anything so stupid before....I have honestly never had the thought of not dating someone because of where they were from.  I'm kind of shocked right now, to be honest."

 Most of the comments were along these lines, so I'm a little bit relieved to hear that it's not as prevalent as these girls made me believe.  I mean, after all, I rather enjoy wearing my Ohio State/Cincinnati shirts and showing people pictures of back home.

There were, however, some people that felt that the post resonated with them, and in the words of one person, it "gave voice to how I've been feeling while I've been at school".  I know everyone's situations are different, so of course my experience isn't going to resemble everyone's (especially in the details), but reading the long emails about people where I can tangibly feel their frustration made me resent the fact that some people really DO think this way even more.

One person put it in these words:

I currently live in an area where there are only 4 young men who are still temple worthy, unmarried, and RMs (not that this number would increase if we added non-RMs). Half of them are in their mid 30s, one is 29 and is very particular about the kind of girls he dates, and I've dated the only other guy in the area (we are better as friends). My friend sometimes tells me about the guys who ask her out and what they do, and let me just tell you how I wish that was available here. Not only would I love to get a chance to experience that kind of dating, but there are many sweet gals in the same boat here who will never get a chance. If I want to get asked out by a good church guy they are 2 1/2 hrs away.

I am from the closest metropolitan area to where I live now and I try to get home as often as I can. When I'm visiting at home I participate in their YSA Ward, but I'm still considered as a visitor and get ignored by a majority of the people I am around. I have my few friends there, but they are getting married and moving on. People don't seem to care because it is too much effort. They see it as too much effort to get to know a person who might not live there all the time, especially when they have a multitude of people who are much closer.

(Side Note: Another thing that frustrates me- is many of the guys in my hometown area who I consider to be great guys decide that they have to go to UT to get a "perfect mormon" wife and they don't come back until they accomplish their mission. That is like a slap in the face to those of us who are trying so hard to do what is right in a place where there seems to be so much outside pressure. You should know what growing up in that kind of environment is like, it takes courage and true faith to be the only one in your school willing to stand up for what you believe.)

 Her last paragraph was spot-on, and it was that much more profound because she experiences these things in a state other than Utah, and even more as a girl having to deal with guys being foolish and thinking this way.  Fight the good fight!

The ultimate comment came yesterday when I was eating in the TSC Hub with a girl I've known since last spring semester.  Very attractive, funny, has an amazing testimony, very service-oriented- what a dream.  Right before we got up to go to our different classes, she mentioned almost in passing

"oh and by the way, I read your last blog post.  I was floored when I read it, and I have to confess- I've been attracted to you since we met, but I never let that go anywhere because I knew you were from so far away and I thought that could cause friction.  Sorry."

Point.

Set.

Match.

Nothing Else Matters

It's been a month...a long, drama-filled, month with the Council, and this will be the highlight reel.  Much more can be said, but there's no need.  I think you can get the picture from this post.

During the break we were very surprised by the actions of some very close friends regarding relationships.  I know I had very strong feelings on the matter, and it involved these people saying one thing and doing another.  Saying they wanted an awesome guy who respects them, treats them like a queen, is accomodating and supportive, etc, yet when the time comes they go to the person that they have told us all along that was making them feel restricted, trapped or disrespected.  I'm not going to post any names or details about the situation, but it was just totally ridiculous.  Out of respect for these people, details won't be mentioned, but the gist of the whole thing is that we felt betrayed on a number of levels, so much so that we were simply appalled that it even happened.

I don't meant to come off as a pessimist, but in a very "this is what I experienced, and that's just the way it is" kind of way, this break reaffirmed many of the things I have heard girls say "I don't do that!" or "you can't generalize girls to all be that way".  I'm sure guys are just as big of a disappointment, but at least for me it gets to a point where I just get totally fed up.

That's not to say guys are better or "more perfect".  Far from it.  More on that later.

Girls, in general, are very manipulative, self-centered and cowardly.  Most guys are too, but everyone expects that, which makes it that much cooler when a guy bucks that trend.  Same with girls, I suppose, but girls are a LOT more alike in this generalization that they would like to admit.  This break, though, showed me that trust is a precious commodity- one that cannot simply be given or traded like the 10-cent friendship bracelets you would use in Kindergarten.  It must be earned, and therefore it can be lost or taken away.

We felt very betrayed because a person we trusted and felt really had the vision, the perspective, to go through life and be successful in every way, turned out to be lying to us the whole time.  To us they would say one thing, and to everyone else they said another.  A people-pleaser.  Sooner or later we are all faced with the decision to choose between what is right and what is easy.  This person took the easy road, plain and simple.

Girls are very indirect, as was discussed a month ago (from a girl, at that), and if they stop liking you they don't do anything to cut those romantic ties.  They will be around you and pretend like you don't exist.  My question is, if they don't care about the person or the situation or want it to "turn out well", why in the heck are they even making such an effort to avoid dealing with it?  It's harder to keep up the act instead of just taking care of it.  If this is not reality, then fine, but actions speak louder than words.

Oh and one other thing- although I very much agree with the idea of a wingman (or wingwoman) to help you in social situations, especially with regards to the opposite sex, the idea of being a blocker for your friend and getting in their way so they can't spend time with a guy (or girl) is ridiculous.  The more I experience being blocked by their friends, the more I think I resent their friend for doing so (and partly them too, because they can't be oblivious to what their friend is doing).  I sometimes want to just turn to their friend and say "step aside, please, let me talk to her."  Perhaps I'm just insensitive towards the blocking friend, but honestly, sometimes they need to get a life and let their friend take care of themselves.

Examples: quit hanging around your friend at a party, and talking her ear off the whole time.  For goodness sakes, go socialize and let people talk to her instead of keeping her under lock and key.  Or even sitting next to them during a movie instead of letting the guy have the seat.  The principle remains the same.  I'm not sure whether it has to do with the friend being insecure, or not being able to move on and have a life of their own (being clingy), but it is annoying.  If I ask a girl out or try to spend time with one person, I expect to do just that, not go on a date with her AND her 892312 friends.  It's not a package deal.

Maybe this also explains why bathroom trips when in restaurants for girls always involves 20 girls instead of the one that needs to use the ladies' room.  I had no idea girls needed that much help going to the bathroom or washing their hands.

Ok, that was a joke, but still.  It's ok to fly solo once in a while.

I already went through a relationship where the girl had a friend like this, and it got to the point where both myself and my girlfriend had to talk to her and say "hey, we love you, but we are dating, so you can't hang around us all the time because it's between us two, not you.  We don't mind if you tag along sometimes, but your behavior is dragging us down."

Anyway




This whole post's point is to say, girls, quit being stupid.  Like, REALLY stupid.  Friendships are great, and we don't expect you to be perfect, but don't be afraid of change.  Everything worthwhile in life involves risk, and relationships are no exception.  Having served missions, we know that it can be horribly unsettling not knowing everything, not seeing everything in your future like in a crystal ball.  But it's when you allow opportunities to enter into your life, and you being willing to try them out, that the greatest joys in life are to be found.  Kinda like when you are about to knock on someone's door to tell them about the Gospel- you are TERRIFIED of what may lie on that side of the door, but you have two choices: be paralyzed and walk away, and live the rest of your life thinking "what if?", or putting your hand to the door, bearing your testimony and letting the Lord take care of the rest.  There's no guarantee of success when you tract, and the same is the case in relationships.  Without risk, there is no reward.

My roommate and I came to the profound- yet simple- realization that in life, relationships are the most important thing.  Nothing else matters in comparison.  Our premortal life was centered around our relationship with Heavenly Father.  Our mortal life is defined by the relationships we choose to cultivate, with families, friends and the Lord.  Eternity will be defined by the company we will keep- will we be with God, our families, those we love and those that love us, or with a miserable lot of people that are just drifting around as individuals, wishing they had done better?  That was the reason why Satan being cast out without a mortal body was such a damning punishment- he could never have a family or enjoy the kind of eternal relationships that we have the opportunity to have.  If he can get us to forget how important those relationships are, he prevents us from being our best or enjoying the blessings promised to us.  That's how he wins.

Everything, including our careers, day-to-day decisions, and motivations, are centered around relationships.  The person with their head screwed on straight understands that the career they have isn't to get lots of money or buy a nice car, but rather because it's to provide for people you love and to serve others.  It's one thing having success in work, school, etc...but when you come home to an empty house, your life becomes just as empty and meaningless.  That's what makes the Atonement so incredible, and why it is the most important act ever performed in human history- the entire purpose is to bind people in relationships that last forever, and helps us understand that love should be the motivation for all we do.

"Stuff We Did"

Before the thought leaves me, as I sit in my astronomy class:

I had the chance to speak to a few girls yesterday, and as always, relationships got brought up in one way or another.  Two of these girls have boyfriends, and the other three are single.  One of the girls that had a boyfriend mentioned to me how she is really excited to be dating this guy, because she's madly in love with the guy (props to him, she's a keeper), but even though they are in the same year in school and they have similar plans for grad school and all that, she's not sure if she can be happy with him.

I asked her why not, seeing that not only are they totally in love with each other, but their schooling isn't an issue either.

She told me that it's because she's got "other plans" in place already.  For example, she wants to do a study abroad program either this coming summer or next fall semester, and she feels that by being in this relationship she is tied down and won't be able to go.  I asked her why she feels tied down, because I know this guy as well and he pulls out all the stops for this girl and he would be the kind that would be patient and support her in whatever she does, including waiting around for her.

She then proceeded to tell me that even though she totally loves this guy and would love to marry him, she wants to go abroad/possibly go on a mission/etc and not have to worry about a relationship.  She did say to me that in her opinion, the best part of not being in a relationship is not having to worry about getting hurt, as well as being "free" to do whatever you want.

Ok, so this is where I was a bit troubled by what she said.  I am all for people achieving their dreams and making a plan to accomplish these things, but I almost felt like this was a case of over-planning.  The other four girls in the group understood what I was saying, and they said that this is something that is really prominent in their minds when they're dating guys while in college.  And from their own mouths, they admitted that it hurts the chances of a lot of guys that they could be very happy with because they are acting a bit selfish by thinking that way.

I didn't really expect to hear any of these girls admit something like that so...straight-up, but I'm glad they mentioned it, because I have noticed it in the way that a lot of girls behave, even if they don't recognize it or vocalize it.

As a guy, there is a lot expected of us: being the breadwinner, being a righteous husband and father, honoring our priesthood, etc.  That kind of expectation is hard to live up to, and even though I know it's possible, it's an uphill battle to improve yourself so you become the kind of person that others will look to for inspiration and strength.

It's a killer, however, to hear something like this from girls.  I do not and absolutely would not expect the love of my life to arbitrarily follow me around during my life as I enter into my career, be subservient or put my education or dreams ahead of hers.  How could I?  I would spend eternity with this person, and there is no way I can become perfect without her.  Her dreams become my dreams, and vice versa.

The reason why it's a killer, though, is because I see that after having this conversation and having the girls tell me themselves, a lot of girls see relationships, commitment and marriage as an obstacle instead of an opportunity.  It makes me a bit depressed, I'll admit, to know that no matter what I may do to be better or to become the kind of man worthy of someone wonderful like that, I am counted out because they see me as baggage instead of a traveling companion.

I can't help but think that the girl I was totally in love with some time ago saw me as baggage as well.  That her plans after graduation or for her career were "incompatible" with what I hope to do someday (which is not set in stone), and that's part of the reason she essentially woke up one morning and decided she didn't love me anymore.

Lastly, I've watched UP a few times recently.  I watched that movie a few times in the theater, and every time it left me thinking.  So watching it recently has done the same.  I posted this in my personal blog over the summer, but I think it's appropriate to post since it helps me understand how I can't plan my life out so much that I keep myself from opportunities that come up along the way:

In a nutshell, UP is a film that (like no other movie I have ever seen, and I have seen many) emphasizes the theme of hopes and dreams failing to come to fruition, and the unexpected joy we can find in the reality that replaces them.  There are some dreams that are never fulfilled due to events outside of our control, and still others that we have to release in order to experience the unanticipated adventures that arise in their place.

My favorite scene in the movie, hands down, was a scene about 20-30 minutes from the end where Carl is reading Ellie's adventure book.  Once you watch it you'll realize why I loved it so much and why I cried like I did at this point in the film.  At that moment I realized this: it's not the experiences you'll have or the things you'll do in life that make it worthwhile, but rather the people you are with and those you help along the way.

The top section is really what has to do with what I'm talking about.

I'm sure I'm guilty of this as well, but this is something I keep thinking about and having it mentioned by girls that are both in relationships and single makes me almost scared to even go on dates.  I'm sure not all girls are trapped in this way of thinking, but it sure doesn't encourage me to take chances on people.

"...Until the Perfect Day"

So I've been promising a post for quite a few days now, but I never did get around to it since I've been so busy.  But now that Tuesday has come, it can only mean one thing: astronomy class.  Which, in turn, means I'm barely paying attention to the picture-book powerpoint being displayed in class, and that means I'm going to have 75  minutes to post in both this blog and my personal one.

Let's mix things up.  Last post was about me pulling a Dr. Phil for a friend in need, and you all read that.  Well, this time I had a Dr. Phil experience of my own, in a manner of speaking.

So last week was crazy because of how many papers I had due.  This week is actually going to be the same, but I can honestly say it's great to be busy because then you realize what your priorities are.  Even in spite of having so much to do and places to go, I made time (or rather, procrastinated some things to make time) to spend time with some girls that I got to know more as the week went on.  At first it was a big "get the whole apartment together" type of deal, so I didn't think much of it.  They are fun people and I would've spent time with them regardless, but of course, nothing ever stays this same and this was no exception.  I, most joyfully (trust me, it was VERY joyful) soon found myself on the receiving end of text messages and phone calls from these girls inviting me to watch movies, go places and go out to eat with them.  The more I spent time with them, the more that I grew to admire these girls and appreciate the fact that they kept going so far out of their way to invite me out to do things.

Sure, I'm a social creature, but it's one thing to be just one of the crowd and another thing altogether when you are singled out to be invited to things.  It makes someone feel special when they call you by name and they tell you things like "tell us a story" or "we love talking to you".  If that's not something that makes you feel like you are good enough, in spite of your weakness, then nothing is.  Heavenly Father loves His children, and the goodness of these girls is proof of that.

Anyway, so we did a bunch of things together, and suddenly I found myself enthralled by one girl in particular.  Twitterpated, if you will.  I am capable, just like any other guy, of recognizing when a girl is attractive in a heartbeat, but I've never been the kind that is hormonal and goes ga-ga over a girl because of her looks.  Looks can only take someone so far, and quality of character is what pulls me in and keeps me enthralled.  Obviously I'm quite direct when it comes to telling people what I think about relationships, their problems, my own weaknesses, etc, but that just makes the contrast between the way I normally am and how I act when I'm twitterpated that much more noticeable.

I have a hard time asking girls for their phone numbers (so I never do it) and even more so, I become paralyzed and massively bashful when I make the decision to ask a girl out on a date.  Such was the case this weekend...I was going to do it on Sunday, but I felt so embarrassed  for myself and I was really worried that I would embarrass this girl if I did it in front of other people, since that's the worst thing I could do to her.  So then, with some help from her roommates I was able to formulate my plan of attack.  I decided I would ask her on Monday night.  I was terrified that I would either get shot down (this girl has the personality and looks to shoot down any guy she pleases) or that another guy would ask her out before I did, so that scared me into action.  I am so grateful for her roommates for their kindness and patience, because I felt like I acted so childish, but hey, I was twitterpated.  What else was I supposed to do?

Well, be a man, for one.

So anyway, I made sure I went for the gold yesterday.  I have noticed that I clam up around girls that I am attracted to--meaning, I don't usually talk to them.  Not because I don't want to talk to them, but instead because I'm terrified that I'll say something stupid since when you are twitterpated, your mind goes out the window and you end up having the mental capacity of a rock.  You all know what it feels like to be enthralled by someone, so don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.

So yes, I went for the gold.  Mission accomplished.  I feel like I got more than a gold medal, a gold star, or anything like that.  I ask girls out so rarely that having done it and not getting shot down made me feel like I just won every single gold medal in every single Olympic event.  I don't believe in pity dates, so if I ask out a girl it is a huge deal.  I can probably count on two hands the number of dates I've initiated since I came back from my mission (maybe even just one hand).  The girl has to be exceptional for me to notice her and muster up the courage to act.  And this girl is just that, seeing as how it only took a few days of being near her for me to decide to take the plunge.

Of course, now comes the hard part....figuring out what to do for the date!  I can't afford to screw this up, she is too good.

Even with his success, Michael Phelps never had it as good as I do.

Worth His Salt

I was going to post a more detailed account of Monday, but I'm saving that deliciousness for my own personal blog.  So look there if you want to get that lowdown.

For now, however, I'm going to focus on a long-enough story that had to do with this blog specifically (that way it's not just about my life, since I have my own blog for that).  It's a story we've ALL either seen or been a part of, so I think this will keep you on the edge of your seats. One of my friends was chatting with me on Facebook and she needed advice on how to tell a guy she wasn't interested in to pretty much not text her or invite her to do things with him anymore.  They had gone on a date this past weekend and she's not into him at all.

Here's where I shine.  Or at least, I like to think so.

The predicament was a familiar one: girl goes on one date, girl doesn't really find him attractive, guy keeps trying to get her to do something with him, girl feels bad, doesn't respond to the text right away, girl feels cornered and doesn't want to hurt his self-esteem/feelings.  I think we've all been through that, I know I have (on the opposite side, of course- I like girls very  much).  So then she asks me for advice.

My advice is the same I would give to any other friend that I find in a similar situation: tell it how it is.  "hey, thanks for your effort, but I'm not really interested in you.  Sorry!"  Don't get me wrong- I don't think it's a bad thing to feel bad when you're in this kind of situation, because not feeling bad means you are heartless.  A measure of guilt or worry about how it'll affect the other person is a sign that you are a considerate person and understand how big of a deal it could be to some people.  But I made sure my friend understood this point, and that it's SO much better when you tell the person straight-up instead of sugar coating the truth.

Both guys and girls know this is true: if someone tells you "I still want to be friends/you're a nice guy or girl/I still want to hang out with you", you try to exercise some hope by saying "hey, there's still a chance.  I just gotta be persistent and work at it".  All of us see it as a cracked door that we might be able to open more widely over time.  That's why it's so important to just be honest (while at the same time being kind)- the person doesn't get their hopes up, so they don't feel as bad or get emotionally invested like they would over a long period of time.  Plus then you don't lose sleep or get stressed in either waiting for that phone call/text, or in trying to decide what to say.  It's not as hard as people make it out to be, and it takes a great deal of courage to do so.  I really do think it's more respectful and loving to be honest to someone with things like this, because if you are it shows you value them enough NOT to waste their time.

It's hard, yes, but it's possible.

And of course, I have a happy ending to that story.  I called my friend after she send me the draft of what she was going to tell this guy (it was at midnight, I was on my way to Wal-Mart).  She sent it, and she said she was going to let me know how it all turned out, and I let her know I looked forward to it.

I got a text at 7:30 this morning saying the following:

"Success!  I got positive results!"


See what I mean?  IT WORKS!  So girls, don't be afraid to shut a guy down if you're not interested- we have more respect and admiration for girls that have the conviction and strength to be honest with their feelings, compared to girls that beat around the bush and never get to the point.  That's a strength of character, and we know you are all capable of it.  As are guys, because we deal with the same situations too.

Any man worth his salt will not be offended if a girl is honest and says she's not interested.  If they do, then quit wasting your time with that guy/girl.  They obviously have some things to take care of before in their lives and aren't ready to be in a relationship anyway.

If the guy or girl is playing games and dragging things on instead of addressing the issue...that's an entirely different story.  That's just stupid and unnecessary.

That's salt, by the way.