Deer Poker

Sorry I posted a full day after I said I would- some stuff came up so I had to take care of that first.

Anyway-

I had a most interesting conversation two nights with a good friend of mine about dating.  I thought she said some interesting and insightful things, and with her permission I'm posting some excerpts.  I won't really give any commentary on it, since I know it can be understood differently by different people.  Hopefully it's as beneficial for you as it was for me since I know a few of you sent me messages via email and text saying how it helped to read previous posts and how they helped you feel like you were totally normal for having similar things run through your head.

And of course, give feedback.  In a perfect world everyone would know the rules of the game and how to play, but of course everyone is different so it's not "one size fits all".  Keep the emails coming- we'll address those questions in the next post.  I promise.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 Friend: you are like me in that you don't date like mormon

 me: how's that

10:34 PM Friend: you are LDS but not mormon

 Friend: mormons play the game we all hate b/c they don't know how to date other wise

10:36 PM Friend: if you are direct then you are putting to much of yourself out there and that is just "too big of a risk"

 Friend: to lay all your chips on the table and say "i like you" is a risk b/c you don't know if that person likes you back

  so you say "i like you"

  and if they like you, GREAT!

  if not, you're SOL and in your shoes

i know that it sucks and it's not fair b/c if everyone would just be honest and not jugde anyone and not take offence then it would be easier

  but it's not like that

  you have to hold your tounge and say only what is needed and nothing more

 

   This friend then proceeded to compare dating to deer hunting.  It was pretty funny, and quite interesting, but too long to post.  Use your imagination- I'm sure you'll get the picture.

  Then the idea of "tunnel vision" got brought up a good while later:

11:24 PM me: and as for the tunnel, I am too stuck in my ways to not have tunnel vision

  if a girl impresses me enough to have me focus on her or give her any attention, she deserves 100% of it

  no girl should feel like she's just one of many options

  after all, like I always say, "don't make someone your priority if you are only their option"

11:25 PM I've seen the effect it has on girls when they feel like they are second-best

 Friend: you are one in a million jared

 me: every girl deserves to feel like she is fantastic, and giving any fraction of my attention to another girl in that sense flies in the face of how I will someday treat my wife

11:26 PM I would want my wife to tell my children with no reservations that from day one, I gave her my full attention

 Friend: you are an anomily that most girls dont understand

 
So there you have it.  A girl that explained to me the mystery of why being so direct with females is such risky business.  Considering that we went from talking about that, to deer, to tunnel vision, I would say I'm pretty  much ready to don some flourescent orange, go buy a shotgun and go bag myself a deer (the animal, that is).  Of course, more details were shared, but I'm only going to post the "aha!" moments on here for your benefit.  Also, I didn't know that the whole "dating game" thing was just a Mormon thing- I thought it was everyone in general.  But it does explain some things that I'm not sure I understood before.

As for that last part, I included it because I found it important to include something of my thought process when it comes to the tunnel vision.  And of course, I know some of you gentlemen that emailed me this past week were asking about why girls don't appreciate that line of thinking and if I could shed some light on that by asking around.  Apparently some do, but the majority don't.  The trick, it seems, is finding the ones that are single.

Happy Hunting!

Explosion Imminent

It's about time.  Housekeeping first:

1. Council of War.  Why the name?  Well, in our apartment, as some of you are aware, we get the Brethren of the Rectangular Table together (aka all six of us in the apartment, an obvious reference to the Man Law commercials where the group is called the Brethren of the Square Table), and I coined the term Council of War to describe these discussions.  Councils of War are the guy equivalent of Girl Talk, except without the girlyness, sleepover parties and nail polish.  Plus, Council of War sounds a heck of a lot more manly than saying "Guy Talk".  I like to think of it as us guys developing our "plan of attack" when it comes to figuring out the purpose of life and trying to figure out the opposite gender.

2. The title for this first post comes from two things: 1) one roommate said this term a few days ago, and 2) I'm sitting in astronomy class right now anyway, and we're talking about the way that stars explode at the end of their lifetimes.  I didn't plan on it, but dang it sure fits well.

Some of you knew this was coming, and some of you are people we don't even know.  Either way, it was felt that a blog needed to be started to give some insights into the male mind when it comes to all kinds of things, but in particular with regard to relationships.

That way any girls that read don't feel that all guys are stupid, hormonal jerks.  As for guys...well, you are either going to be offended, since we point out the stupidity and drama that other guys cause unnecessarily, or you are going to realize how normal you are since you don't stoop to the bottom of the barrel like that.  Nice guys should finish last, plain and simple.

I'll initiate this tomfoolery by bringing in the age-old argument brought on by nice guys everywhere: why do girls go after jerks instead of nice guys?

Unfortunately, there is no answer.  We can only speculate.  I personally hate it when girls say "well, guys that are jerks are usually more confident, so it's easier to overlook their weaknesses".  Well, no duh they seem more confident, but confusing cockiness for feeling pleased or comfortable with oneself is a mistake girls shouldn't really make.  I remember speaking with the roommates and we found a bit of a disconnect: girls say they want guys that are nice, but they also want guys to be confident.  It's not impossible- I know many guys that have attained this level of strength, and props to them.  For us normal peons, however, it's hard to get confident when you don't really get attention from girls.  It's a Catch-22: you need to be more confident in order to get attention from girls, but you need to get attention from girls in order to build up your confidence.  It has to start somewhere, and it's up to both the guys and the girls.

To counter my own argument, I will bring up a personal example: there is a particular girl at the moment who has been hanging around quite a bit, but I don't really have any attraction to her.  Ashley (name has been changed) has been texting, calling, etc quite a bit these last few weeks, but I hate to say but I'm not really attracted to her in terms of looks.  Ok, call me shallow, but you need to have a measure of physical attraction to someone if a healthy relationship is going to proceed from that point.  There's another girl, however, that is everything I am looking for, but I'm essentially a fly on the wall to her.  And there's another one who is also very gorgeous, but she shoots for the jerk guys.  What to do?

I know what some of you are thinking.  "Why not just take the girl out on a date?"  I am not really opposed to giving people the benefit of the doubt (after all, I would like to have people give ME a chance too), but physical attraction isn't something that really changes in people.  Yes, hair can be done differently, makeup too, but I'm not going to demand that someone change their appearance to cater to my tastes.  That robs the person of the things that make them unique and exciting, at least to certain people.  I would expect someone to like me for what I am and what I can be, not because they're doing it out of pity.  For that reason I don't go on pity dates, and I wouldn't want girls to do so either- if I ask a girl on a date, I would prefer they shoot me down straight-up instead of leading me on to think that there's a possibility there, when they know for themselves that they don't want to pursue it further.  Better to not let the car start in the first place instead of going on a test drive and falling in love with it.  I don't want to crush anyone's hopes either, and if I can stay as someone's friend instead of imploding a friendship because one person likes the other, I will go down that road.  I'd rather be considerate of other's feelings instead of playing along out of a selfish desire to get action (sorry, there's no other way to really describe it), even if it means I get stuck sitting on the sidelines.  It's the right thing to do, or, at least, I think it is.

It probably doesn't help that I'm still madly in love with a girl that doesn't love me back.  That sucks big time, and it eats me alive, but I can't hate that girl just because she's exercising her freedom of choice.  I love her no matter what, but it's the fact that I can't love more than one person at a time that is preventing me from moving on either.  Blah.  I still think she's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, and I've been able to grow so much just because of that experience.  It's me being so terrified of being alone again after finding someone so ideal and fantastic that kills me- I would hold that girl up as the gold standard that any potential girl in the future would need to live up to.  But there's no one even close to her, so I feel like I'm driving with no destination.  Kinda like driving across the country on I-80 through Nebraska...as flat as can be, with no end in sight.

Whether or not it's better to have loved and lost instead of loved at all, it doesn't matter.  I'm not going to open up that can of worms right now.  All I know is that I do know what love is, how bad loneliness is, and I am absolutely terrified of having to go back to that emptiness.

Ok, that's enough from me.  That should give you plenty of cannon fodder for your enjoyment.  I can assure you that my posts will be entertaining, honest, full of detail and (hopefully) insightful to you.  I'm sure the posts from the roommates and other authors of the blog will be just as great.

Please do keep in mind that in our attempts at being honest about what we go through and our philosophies on life and relationships, we need and expect your comments.  Invite your friends, family, coworkers, goldfish, significant other, etc to read the blog and post their comments.  The more comments, the better, since it gives us more to think about and we can get some feedback on our train of thought.  It is through those kinds of comments that we can correct some misperceptions we have and make our posts that much more meaningful.

Check back often, follow us, and become our fan on Facebook while you're at it.  The more the merrier.