Leeches and Five-Second Texting

As I'm sitting here in the Spectrum watching the women's basketball game against Hawaii, it brings to mind a phenomenon that is related to the "Friend Zone" as described during the Ladder Theory post on this blog some time ago.

Since I know some people will misinterpret this post to be a call-out to them individually, let me just say that this applies to NO ONE that is reading this post.  The people I'm talking about don't read this blog simply because they don't know that it exists.

Without further ado...

We all have the friends that we try to make an honest effort to spend more time with, and at almost every opportunity we send them text messages, write on their wall on Facebook, give them a call or try to stop by their apartment.  You're probably thinking of at least five or six right now as you read about that.  And yet, they never, EVER respond to those invitations to come do anything.  Some of these people it's because you honestly want to get to know them better and be a true friend, and some people you do it for the intent that you have some degree of crush on them and you want to see if they will make the time to spend time with them.  Or, even more importantly, because you want to see if they will take the five seconds to respond to you over text, or if they will blow you off and pretend like they didn't even see the message.

The reason this comes to mind here at the basketball game is because I get text messages from a number of people a few hours before the basketball games or some other event where I save seats for people.  Mind you, I don't even send them the text message I send to the people I don't mind saving for, but they always come crawling to me asking me if I'm going to the game and if I can save seats for them and their five random, married friends.  Or for them and some dude they're on romantic terms with.

I do not mind taking the extra time to save seats for my friends, but there is a difference between being nice and just letting yourself get taken advantage of.  I don't understand where these people get the idea that they can come crawling to me when they need something but ignore me every time I talk to them, but it is a stupid idea that tells me they are a bit self-centered and lack some higher brain function.  My philosophy has become the following:

If I invite you or tell you that you can invite your friends, I am totally cool.  But if your number shows up on my caller ID only when you need to freeload off of me, don't even bother calling me or sending me the message to begin with.

Some people might feel that they freeload, but honestly, if I keep texting you then that is a sign to you that this doesn't apply to you.  I would not text you if I felt that I was getting taken advantage of like that.

So, my friends, don't be a manipulator.  Just like at basketball games, hockey games, performances on campus and the like.  It can give off the impression to others (whether it's right or not, that's a different story) that you use your friends for self-serving means.  Or, at the very least, if you don't want to spend time with someone, ignoring them is the worst thing you can do.  Grow a pair and tell them that you're busy, or that you're not interested, or whatever it may be.  Everyone texts these days, and there is zero excuse for responding back at the very least.  Show some respect by acknowledging their effort and responding accordingly.

Even when responding, don't resort to making excuses (like saying that you're busy doing homework, when in fact you are sitting in your living room watching TV), since that just prolongs the inevitable.  Sooner or later you'll get really annoyed at their repeated attempts to reach out to you and it'll be that much harder--and awkward--to tell them to stop bothering you.  It's better to yank off a Band-Aid in one fell swoop instead of pulling it off bit by bit.  Trust me, it's easier and better in the long run.

That is all.  Have a good weekend...and happy texting!

Oh, and I ate some My Little Pony fruit snacks today.  Enjoy.

Missing the Mark

I was talking to my friend Ashley (name changed) today and an important conversation came up. She was concerned about her relationship with a certain someone and whether or not they should get married. She was concerned because they had different future plans. He wants to go to law school in the fall and she wants to stay at Utah State University to finish her degree. I had this advice to give her:

8:29pmAshley

yeah

but we have talked about marriage. its the timing that doesn't work

8:30pmBill

what timing exactly?

8:31pm

Ashley

with him going to law school in the fall and me needing to finish here

that's long distance...

8:32pmBill

yeah it is... but can i be perfectly honest with you?

8:32pm

Ashley

yes please

8:33pmBill

when my ex-girlfriend and i talked about marriage she would bring up things she worried about working out like health insurance, school money yatta yatta

and while those things are important

and should be discussed

its completely missing the mark

like the jews did when it came to the gospel

in my opinion, you shouldn't let those worldly things be the deciding factor of marriage.

you need to decide to get married first and THEN you worry about those things

love is the most important thing in life

it takes priority

you figure that out

then you can figure the rest out and God will help you with that

thats my opinion

8:35pm

Ashley

wow bill. i think that's the best advice i've heard about this in a long time.

thank you so much

8:36pmBill

no problem

makes sense then?

8:37pm

Ashley

yeah definitely. that makes a lot of sense. thank you

8:38pmBill

its just a lesson i learned from my previous relationship

it bugged me that she was so concerned about all those little things that it blocked our progress

and i learned that love and that type of relationship was by far the most important thing in life

and so i came up with that for my future reference

8:40pm

That pretty much hits it home! You could probably apply this to just plain dating as well. :-)

Career vs Family, With a Cherry on Top

Before I proceed, I wanted to give the promised shout-out to Marissa and Claire (I hope I spelled your names right).  I was stopped on campus this week by these two fine ladies (I don't think they know each other, they caught me on different days) and they asked me if I was the guy that wrote on this particular blog.  They thanked me for taking the time to write, and I thank them for reading and giving me great feedback through email and IM week in and week out.  Hopefully this blog continues to give you the courage to call guys out and not let them get away with being vague, immature or stupid. When we as guys get told by girls that they expect better, we can't help but want to be better.  In the most objective way possible, you are both extremely attractive, and you have the intellect to match.  Keep up the good work!

I've tried for quite a while now to follow the advice of Lucy Mack Smith to her son, the Prophet Joseph: "Marry above yourself".  Sound advice.  I've also taken it to mean "Date Above Yourself", which I think is also true.  Pride has no place in a relationship, and if you are constantly wowed and looking up to the person you choose to spend your time and life with, you will continually strive to be your best, to impress that person, to serve them selflessly and put their happiness, desires and dreams above your own.  You learn the principle of sacrifice, charity, humility, and every other godly attribute we are expected to develop in this life and throughout the eternities.

That said, how do you pull this off?  While this is a good ideal to try to live up to, the more I think about it, the more I get frustrated.  If I really do shoot for someone that I feel is my superior, it seems like a fruitless effort- after all, why would they want me if they are the ones standing on the high ground?  Yes, we all have redeeming qualities, but if this is true then there is also such a thing as "not good enough".  You don't want to settle and sell yourself short by being with someone that doesn't elevate you to the highest cloud in Heaven, but at the same time going for that person is the equivalent of being two and trying to reach the kitchen counter- you can't do it no matter how hard you try.  No amount of sincere, heartfelt desire and belief will make you grow a few more inches magically, even if you go the extra mile by thinking really hard, squinting your eyes saying "pretty please with a cherry on top."

Nick said something very interesting yesterday in discussing the whole "just give up" predicament.  Am I doing these things so I can feel accomplished, or for other reasons?  I think it's part of both- I explained to a very special friend in early January that I am trying to prove to myself that I am capable of going after something (or someone) and, well, winning.  I wanted to be able to hear in my mind, "I did it.  I really was good enough".  Everyone falls short in life, no surprise there, but once in a while you want to just win at something, knowing that despite your shortcomings you were able to overcome it and that you as a person were good enough to deserve the time and attention of someone else.

That might seem self-centered, but I do it for the right reasons as well.  If I really do think that highly of a person, then I would take a risk and give all I have in making their happiness the focus of my attention.  It's tied to the principle of charity- you want to see them realize their dreams and find happiness, even if that means having to sacrifice what you want the most.  Aunt May, the cute old lady that is Peter Parker's (Spider-Man's) aunt, said it best:

"People need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. I believe there's a hero in all of us- that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams…"

 And so I have meditated on that this week.  My dream is to work in one of the national security agencies, I love everything about it and the more I learn, the more interviews I go through, the more I want to do it.  But I noticed some time ago that this kind of career, although great, is in direct conflict with my desire to marry, have a family and make them the purpose for all that I do in this life.  So I decided to explore other options, because these things are way to important to me.

Now I am coming to the realization that something like this may be out of my grasp altogether.  Reading scriptures, praying, being faithful in my callings, and all of these things are no guarantee that these things will happen.  So I've been thinking twice about my earlier decision about my career- when I did it, I got some undeniable promptings of the Spirit that my priorities should be changed to put marriage and family at the number one spot, so I did.  But now I wonder if I should just stop bothering with girls and instead go full speed ahead with my career in the Intelligence Community.  I am at a crossroads where I need to decide very soon whether or not I have the courage to give up my dreams.  If there was ever a time I needed a stabilizing influence in my life, this is it.

My thinking is that if having an eternal companion and a family isn't meant for me, the absolute least I can do is use my time on this Earth serving others and ensuring the safety of our nation against those who would destroy all that is good and sacred.  As long as I can labor on behalf of others, even if they are total strangers, and what I sacrifice and do to protect others is never known or recognized, I will be able to keep walking with confidence in the approval of my Heavenly Father.  When we make covenants with God, He expects us to give up everything that we are and hope to be in exchange for what he wants for us.  I think I am only now starting to scratch the surface in understanding what that kind of commitment means.

Bye Bye, Blankie

I have great roommates.  I was talking with some of them last night about a number of things, and it was just one of those "dude, you are so right" moments.  So I thought I'd share, I'm sure someone else can benefit from my experience.

So relating to some dreams I've had lately and some of my girl-related worries (girls are nothing but trouble, hardy-har-har) I asked one of my best friends for some advice.  Bless her heart, she had so many things to do but there she was, knocking on my room door and listening to my scatterbrained-ness and listened.  It was good to just throw everything out there, even though I'm pretty sure it didn't make sense.  When she left, we circled the wagons in our living room and talked about a few things (not just me, mind you) and I heard some really good counsel from my roommates regarding all of that.

Lesson 1: Don't take counsel from your fears.  This refers to allowing uncertainty and worry to paralyze you from taking action, which leads to the "I'll just wait for things to happen on their own" attitude.  This particular phrase makes even more sense in light of the dreams I've had in the last month (if you're really wondering what the dream(s) was/were, just catch me on campus and I'll fill you in), but it all just comes down to not assuming a worst-case scenario just because I worry it might happen.  I'm always the one telling people "it's not as bad as you might think", and it's about time I took my own advice.

Lesson 2: Depression can be an addicting behavior.  This one shouldn't have come as a surprise to me- I remember giving someone advice about how they use their sadness as a safety blanket to protect them from engaging in relationships, but it was put into terms I had never heard before, and I think this applies to all people.  I've talked to MANY people since this blog started and a common thread in a lot of those comments and conversations were about  how these individuals were afraid of getting into a relationship (or taking any risks) because they were scared of all the "what if"s.  I have said it time and again- everything worthwhile in life requires risk, but along with the first lesson, every time you shy away from being a man (or woman) of action, it's because you're afraid of leaving your comfort zone.  It's easier to stay scared and not do anything about a guy or girl you've got your eye on, simply because you "know the routine" and you feel like you have a greater amount of control over your emotions instead of taking a chance with someone.

In Layman's terms, "you know how happy you feel when you are in a relationship.  You also know what it feels like to be heartbroken.  It all comes down to which you want more, and understanding that without risk, there is no reward".

Wise words from a fellow brotha.

Lesson 3: No regrets.  Of course, I already know this.  I try to live by this too, and I think many people do as well.  It's one thing wanting to believe and act that way, and actually dialing her phone number, walking up to a girl's door and knocking, getting the guts to tell that person how you feel, sending them that text message, etc.  The list can go on.  Uncertainty is the ultimate killer simply because those "what if"s consume you and you spend all your time thinking about your anxieties, as if you can defeat or kill them by thinking about them enough.  It's only when you are totally sincere, open and honest that you feel that peace of conscience of knowing that you did all you can.  Ignoring the problem-or people- doesn't make anything better, and it only leaves you resentful because you didn't accomplish anything.

At the end of the day, you can point fingers all you want to blame others, circumstances, or even God for things that happen--or don't happen-- but if you notice, any time you point one finger, you have four others pointing right back at you.  No excuses, no regrets.



These are things I was reminded of by my roommates, my fellow brethren on the Council.  Sometimes we all need that kind of a kick in the pants to quit sitting on our hands and get to work, and that's what it did for me.  Hopefully I answered some of the questions I have gotten this past week by posting this, and I am confident that others can take courage from what I learned.

So therefore, Happy Hunting!

Gilligan's Island and the Pursuit of the Golden Coconut

Sunday we encountered an interesting situation while we were in Council, and I neglected to post it here since I have had my life sucked away by the new setup in our living room.  Regardless, I am at work so that means I can dink around on my laptop since that's pretty much all that I am expected to do.

So one of our wonderful friends told us a tale...oh wait, I want to break into song.  I'm going to put this to the tune of "Gilligan's Island".  Lyrics have been adapted, of course:

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a funny trip
That started from apartment one
Aboard this tiny ship.

The girl was a wise and mellow gal,
The listeners brave and sure.
Five people gathered round that day
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour.

The story started getting rough,
The sweetheart girl was tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
Her sanity would be lost, her sanity would be lost.

The Council set the record straight on the question that was asked
With Jared-son
Bill Bowers too,
The landlord's son...he chimed in,
The Blakesta's here
Jon and Daniel just came home,
Here at Council of War.

Wow, that was impressive, if I do say so myself.  I wish I would've been born a decade earlier so I could compete in MTV's old show, Lyricist Lounge.  I would've made millions.

Anyway, back to the SHOW.  It basically came down to this: our friend was in the company of a number of friends and the topic came up between them about whether or not it is appropriate for a girl to text/call/make FIRST contact with a guy following a date.  She wasn't going to reveal more of the story until we said our opinions on the matter, so we went around one-by-one until we were ready to hear her verdict.

All of us agreed- it's not a bad thing for the guy to do so, but it is actually quite cool when a girl makes that contact, even if she's not interested after all and she just wants to say "thank you".  Personally, I think that yes, it's more chivalrous if the guy is contacting her first and all that, but it is not a requirement by any means.  I mean, heck, the guy has already gone out on a limb by asking the girl out.  Whether or not he is interested in her is not in question- he's proved that already by asking her out in the first place.  Being a guy, I know I get nervous or stressed wondering if the girl really did like the date or not, how she feels about me, etc.  Getting a text or message like that from the girl is nothing short of a godsend.  Even if it is to tell me "thanks, but no thanks", MAN that makes all the difference.  I don't think at all it's required for guys to do so, so girls should feel free too.

Well, apparently all her friends apparently think that's a huge no-no for a girl to do that.  A few of them mentioned that it's the guy's responsibility.  Ok, sorry, but any girl that thinks the guy should be doing EVERYTHING obviously doesn't understand the concept of mutual attraction.  I don't mind going out of my way, but doing all of that makes you almost feel used and manipulated by the girl.  Like holding a carrot at the end of the stick, except with no carrot.  Sorry, ladies, you need to stop using chivalry as an excuse to be an idle partner in any relationship.

She was totally overruled.  She thought she was crazy, and we assured her that she wasn't.  Goes to show how much most girls know about what to expect from guys, and how guys see it.  In a way I hope those girls take off their relationship glasses, because they're obviously going to burn out any guy they're involved with.  It's like wearing sunglasses at night.  Yeah, go ahead, listen to Corey Hart's song on that matter.  Perhaps it will be inspirational for you.

So in closing, don't wear sunglasses at night.  It's OK to text the guy the day or week after the date.  It means more than you understand, and we have already gone out on a limb.  There is nothing dishonorable or weird about being willing to look up at the tree and notice us hanging on that branch there.  Whenever we ask you out, a lot of times I feel like I'm hanging for my LIFE.

It really is THAT nerve-wracking!  We do it because we really do think you are worth risking life and limb for.  Talking to us after the dating isn't too much to ask of you.

Coming soon: a discussion about how to break the "touch barrier".  That next post will be epic, I think everyone wants to hear different thoughts on this.

Notable Quote: "Hence the saying: One may know how to conquer without being able to do it."