AKA "Define the Relationship"
It was just as gut-wrenching to hear as it is to have it happen to you. I've felt just like this guy before, and the girl was, in my opinion, trying to mask her immaturity (and even her inability/unwillingness to at least have some empathy towards what he's feeling, even if she doesn't agree) by telling him that he was the one that needed to get his act together and think differently.
Not that I think girls are always wrong, but the guy said some quotable phrases. Here it goes.
"Dating culture here in Logan is totally strange. It's not like Provo at all. In Provo, you actually court girls. You take them out on dates, spend one-on-one time with them. That's how you get into relationships. But here in Logan it's totally different. Girls don't let themselves be courted, they just prefer to "hang out" in group settings the whole time and get scared off when a guy asks them out on a date. They like to float around because they feel they aren't ready for a commitment and they don't want to get trapped into a relationship. But another thing too, people up here get into relationships with people that they've never gone on dates with. That seems wrong to me."
Stick it to the man. Let's break it down, there's some interesting things in this direct quote from a fellow brotha.
"Dating culture here in Logan is totally strange"
Yep. The "get married after knowing them for two weeks" mentality isn't the rule here (thankfully), but of course that's not to say it doesn't happen for some people. If it's true love, no worries. I've seen so many close friends become divorcees at my age or younger (even as young as 20) that it just reaffirms my belief that healthy, lasting, meaningful relationships really do take time to develop. Many people (both girls and guys) in Logan have taken that concept to mean that they hold off on even giving things a shot with people they haven't known for years and years. That kind of implies that if you didn't meet the love of your life your freshman or sophomore year at USU, you are hopeless because you haven't been friends long enough.
"You take them out on dates, spend one-on-one time with them. That's how you get into relationships."
YES. That is called "courting". That's the way it should be done. I hate to sound all preachy, but Elder Oaks made it so clear when he gave his "Dating vs Hanging out" talk a few years ago. "Dating" implies that a guy is interested on more than just a friend level. Any guy who takes his casual friends on dates with no attraction in mind is doing a great disservice to those girls, and he is an utter fool. It's a mystery to me where girls got the absurd idea that being asked out on a date means you get entertained and fed for a few hours instead of sitting bored at home on a Friday night. Nevermind that the guy has obviously thought about you, stressed out about what to do on the date that you would find enjoyable and memorable, worried about what to wear, canceled other plans, has set aside time and money to spend with you (and just you)...the list goes on. He could've asked any other girl, but he chose you.
If these lame duck guys that are asking out their friends on a strictly friendship level, then I feel I am tempted to feel sorry for the girls being tricked and misled by these guys to define their philosophy on dating. Any man (not boy) worth his salt and the air he breathes will ask out girls he's legitimately interested in. The end.
Girls, please understand this. What I say sounds really scathing, but guys really do need a kick in the pants to man up and grow a pair to formally ask a girl out instead of just hanging out all the time. If a guy can't do that, he's nothing but a little boy.
"Girls don't let themselves be courted, they just prefer to "hang out" in group settings the whole time and get scared off when a guy asks them out on a date."
Yep. This has been discussed earlier, like this post by Nick and another one I wrote.
"They like to float around because they feel they aren't ready for a commitment and they don't want to get trapped into a relationship."
Although yes, all girls are not like this, the simple fact is that the girls who don't act like this are already taken. You know what I'm talking about. I can't tell you how many girls have told me the following here at USU:
"I didn't want to go to BYU because I didn't want to get married right away."
I have zero problems with that. Any girl that takes college seriously, as educational opportunity to increase her intellect and talents, is an absolute knockout. Great things are going for those kinds of girls for being goal-oriented and striving towards that goal. But when girls see that being a fountain of strength for someone else (as well as being willing to let others be that blessing to them as well) as an obstacle to their lives and plans, then there's a lack of perspective.
Relationships are ALL that matter in life. The Gospel itself tells us that- forever families, being worthy of the Spirit's promptings to bless our lives and the lives of others, learning truth to pass it to our children. These relationships are all we can take with us after this life and into eternity; once our motivation for everything we do becomes enriching the lives of others, we truly see. Life becomes wonderful, in spite of our weaknesses and difficulties. Seeing relationships as a roadblock reeks of pride and selfishness.
"...people up here get into relationships with people that they've never gone on dates with. That seems wrong to me."
We've all seen it. I myself have been guilty of this in the past, and it still bothers me to this day to feel that I didn't do anything to deserve the amazing girlfriend I had just a year ago. I still regret the fact that our first date was after we were together, but thankfully I learned differently since then. Giving a girl the time and forethought by actually going on dates is the way to go.
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Anyway, that's all I can remember from this guy. Other things were said, but the girl ended things by telling this guy that he needed to understand that "dating and hanging out are the same thing".
Dating does not guarantee results or commitment, I know this. But this girl is an example of immaturity at its finest. I sure hope this girl learns quickly, not so she can get married in a week or pity this guy, but so she understands the effect that her view can have on guys that make the time and effort to show sincere interest in her. From the way he acted towards her, I can tell this guy treated this girl like a queen.
So props to my strawberry blonde-haired friend. I don't know your name, but there needs to be more guys like you in telling it like it is and making the often ignored and fruitless effort to treat girls like royalty. You are the man.
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